Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
