Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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