you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
