I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
