First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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