I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
