we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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