she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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