well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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