Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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