Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
