you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
did i just pee glitter
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
