This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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