I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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