I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
