you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
