i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize