I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
not ubering you a puppy
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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