They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
