You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
