he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
