I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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