Just took my morning after pill in the library
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I am one with the molecules
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
