Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
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