I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just forgot I was standing up.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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