my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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