I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
