youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
