I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
