I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
This is my gift to your gina
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize