what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize