he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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