I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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