I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
