We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
