3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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