I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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