My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
