I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
