I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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