I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
