hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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