Your face is a jimmy john
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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