Your dad touched me again.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
i believe in u and ur pee
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
