she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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