you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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