OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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