Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
