No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
