cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
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