I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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