I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
