I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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