This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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