You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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