cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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