if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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