was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
