I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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